Putting aside your feelings for the children

Divorce is an unfortunate event that some families have to overcome. The separation of the parents isn’t just about the parents; it has a huge impact on the children as well. The feelings of negativity and resentment between a former couple can make the children uncomfortable and make the adjustment to the separation even more difficult. This is why it’s so vital for you to put aside your feelings for the children.

1. Never vent to your children

It matters the most to avoid venting to your children about their other parent. Children do not need to hear disparaging comments such as “Your father is a lying, cheating person” or “I’m tired of your mother bringing her boyfriend to pick you up.”  You should not engage in any behavior that will induce parental alienation.

As you know, your children are already dealing with a significant emotional upheaval due to the separation or divorce. When they hear negative remarks about a parent, it can really hurt them. If you don’t talk bad about your ex, your kids will feel better and safer.

2. Get your frustration out somewhere

Yes, you probably still have hurt feelings over the break up. You may cry yourself to sleep every night and wish nothing but bad on your former lover. However, you should take your frustrations out before you have to meet up with your ex.

Instead of letting your anger show when you talk to your ex, try to find healthy ways to deal with it. Exercise, like boxing, can help you manage stress and let off steam. Talking to a therapist, friend, or family member can also help you feel better and see things more clearly.

Remember, using your anger against your ex or using it to get your way, especially about the kids, can make things more complicated. Try to deal with your feelings in a way that helps you heal and keeps things positive for you and your children.

3. Focus on the kids

Keep reminding yourself that you must be civil for the kids. When talking to their other parent, avoid bringing up your past together. Stick to discussing things about the kids, like their schoolwork or who will pick them up from their friends’ houses this weekend. To help with this, prepare a list of topics before conversations, use a shared calendar or a co-parenting app for their schedules, and agree on communication rules. Keep language neutral and avoid blame, focusing on solutions instead of past issues. If suitable, involve the kids in planning their activities to help them feel secure and reduce misunderstandings. This approach ensures that interactions are constructive and centered around the children’s needs.

4. Ask don’t demand

When you approach conversations with a cooperative mindset, it can make a big difference. Instead of making demands, try framing your requests as questions. For example, if you need to change the visitation schedule, you might say, “Can I take the kids this weekend and you take them next weekend?” This shows you respect the other parent’s time and encourages working together.

By asking instead of demanding, you create a more respectful dialogue. This can lead to better outcomes for you and your children. It helps everyone cooperate rather than argue, which benefits everyone involved.

5. Compromise

No matter what your sentiments about your ex are, always be willing to compromise. Compromise is a cornerstone of effective co-parenting. While you might have strong opinions about certain issues, being flexible and open to negotiation is essential for maintaining a positive co-parenting relationship. For example, arguing over bedtime routines might seem small, but it’s an area where you can easily find a middle ground. On bigger issues, like education or medical care, it’s crucial to listen to each other and work together.

Effective compromise means clear communication, empathy, and focusing on what’s best for your kids. It means setting aside personal grievances and putting your children’s needs first. This helps create a stable and supportive environment for them.

6. Keep the other parent in the loop

Put aside your feelings of hostility and tell your ex what happens with the children. This includes sharing information about school events, extracurricular activities, and significant milestones. For example, if your child is performing in a school play, let your ex-partner know about it, even if you’d prefer they didn’t attend with a new partner. Keeping your ex-partner in the loop ensures that they remain involved in their children’s lives and helps maintain a sense of continuity and support for the kids.

This approach might not always be easy, especially if there are unresolved issues, but it is ultimately in the best interest of your children. By prioritizing their need for a stable relationship with both parents, you help ensure they have the support and love they need from both sides.